Shame as a path that can lead to more self-love
On shame & how to transform it into courage
Guilt and shame seem similar, yet they are a little different. Where guilt tells you that you have done something wrong, shame tells you that you are wrong. It is usually clear if you feel guilty, for example when you have done something you are not happy with so you apologise. But shame is usually much more complex and can be hidden or frozen under all kinds of layers in the nervous system.
People do not always know that they are experiencing shame, which sometimes makes this emotion difficult to recognise. Furthermore, shame always has a social context; it prevents inappropriate behaviour within a group. Shame can also take on a very toxic form where you keep feeling like you’re being rejected by the outside world.
Shame is the opposite of life force; the force that gives you energy. Shame depletes your energy and makes you feel small and powerless. When you feel shame there is usually a tendency to want to hide and disappear. The feeling of shame can be so painful that you likely prefer to suppress it. It hurts to feel like who you are isn't good enough, so most people prefer to stay far away from this feeling. We often do this unconsciously - for example by constantly wanting confirmation from others or seeking distraction through working too much.
How can you learn to embrace shame?
If you want to learn to better deal with shame, it is important to become aware of the way it manifests itself - both on a mental and physical level.
Shame can suddenly arise like a powerful storm that pulls you out of the moment. An inner dialogue then starts full of self-doubt and self-rejection. It's like a negative voice that says things like:
I always do everything wrong
What's wrong with me?
I'm not good enough
Nobody wants me
Shame often manifests itself in the body as a frozen state. Parts of the nervous system where unprocessed emotions are stored can feel numb, making it difficult to connect with these areas. This is actually a very intelligent response from the body; it protects you from emotions that are too overwhelming. When you feel ashamed, the body often tenses up, which can make you feel small. The chest sinks inward, making breathing more difficult. The throat can also close up.
As soon as you start to recognise the symptoms of shame in yourself, it becomes easier to allow this emotion to be as it is. Where you previously tried to suppress this emotion, you can build capacity in the nervous system to actually allow and process this emotion and the pain underneath it. This is not an easy process and it is something that requires a lot of patience and dedication. But it is the only way to tackle your shame at the root and truly transform it.
So it is important to create awareness about what is happening in your body when you feel shame coming up. You can ask yourself in those moments: 'What sensations are arising now and where do I feel them? Can I let this reaction be?'
Try to fully feel the sensations for a few moments and let the emotion be there completely. Next, it is wise to turn your attention to something that gives you pleasure and satisfaction like walking, yoga, or chatting with a good friend. This way the nervous system will become more regulated and the frozenness of shame will gradually dissolve little by little. Over time, there will be more room for creativity and the courage to show yourself as you are, without having to make yourself smaller or wear a mask that covers your shame.
Soul consciousness
Another powerful medicine to heal the negative aspects of shame comes from the energy of your deepest core: the Soul. From this wise part of yourself, you can learn to fully embrace the feeling of shame. From Soul consciousness you can learn to feel that who you really are is essentially good, even if you are not perfect.
The Soul knows that you can be completely who you are, without having to pretend to be something else. The Soul also knows that you are deeply worthy, even if you are rejected by the outside world. The more contact you make with this wise part of yourself, the more you learn to transform the emotion of shame into its opposites; which is self-love and life-force energy.
A good way to make more contact with the Soul is to write a letter to yourself in which you adopt the perspective of your deepest Self.
Take a moment and make some room to connect to yourself. You can light a candle and do a short meditation, so that your body and mind can relax a little. Grab a pen and paper and take a moment to invite in your Soul. For example, you can say: 'I like to receive insights from my deepest core, from my Soul.' Just start writing, without thinking about it too much. It may take a while to get the flow going, so give it some time. Gradually answers will come from this 'deep Self'.
By regularly connecting with the frequency of the Soul, you can learn to look at yourself with compassion and ultimately transform shame into more Love for yourself.
when shame says:
I am not okay as I am
the Soul knows:
I am okay exactly as I am